I knew this would happen if I let her get too close.
It was a foreseeable future.
Loneliness.
I understood its weight better than anyone, yet I had made a mistake.
Because of me.
All for a fleeting moment of my own happiness.
I’d dragged that sunshine-like child into the mire.
My deliberate cruelty toward Espin had been rendered pointless.
Even as everyone ignored her, Espin sat there, oblivious to the situation, smiling all by herself.
Her innocence twisted my guts.
“What’s so funny?”
My voice came out sharper than I intended.
Espin froze, her eyes widening in surprise.
Her usually cheerful face stiffened the moment she spotted me.
“Ah, hello. Have you been well?”
It was the same greeting as always.
Yet somehow, it felt distant.
This was what I’d wanted.
This was how it had to be from now on.
But my stomach kept churning.
When I sat down at the same table, Espin flinched and drew back.
I could tell she was glancing at me nervously, but the seating had been arranged by Empress Isabel, so I couldn’t switch.
Any odd behavior, and Empress Isabel would react with keen suspicion.
Throughout the tea party, I fixed my gaze solely on the flowers adorning the table.
I strained my eyes to avoid glancing at Espin.
If I showed any concern, Empress Isabel would torment her even more.
“Come to think of it, I heard there was some commotion at Prince Luciano’s palace not long ago. Did something happen between you two?”
Even though I’d deliberately ignored Espin, Empress Isabel dragged her right into the mud anyway.
Espin has nothing to do with me.
Leave her alone.
I had to swallow the urge to shout it out.
“For instance, if someone were bullying Espin, or something like that.”
It dawned on me belatedly that Empress Isabel was proposing a deal to Espin.
My heart pounded fiercely.
If what Empress Isabel wanted was a ‘lie’…
Espin, with her upright and honest nature, would have rejected the deal without hesitation.
But the fact that I’d bullied Espin was ‘true.’
I’d let her collapse by not stopping her from forcing down food.
I’d imposed on her, so it was undeniably bullying.
Therefore, even if Espin said what Empress Isabel wanted, it wouldn’t be a lie.
Reason and emotion clashed violently within me.
Seize the opportunity.
‘Take it and escape this mire, at least for yourself.’
For Espin’s sake.
‘I wish you wouldn’t.’
A selfish thought flickered through my mind.
‘No, just close your eyes and give Empress Isabel what she wants.’
That’s the way for you to live peacefully as you are now.
I knew I had to let her go.
‘Don’t fall for Empress Isabel’s temptation, please.’
I wanted to hold on.
Contradictory feelings surged back and forth without respite.
Thinking of Espin, I believed she should follow Empress Isabel’s words, yet I hoped she wouldn’t.
In the midst of it all, I despised myself for harboring such selfish thoughts.
It wasn’t fear of my reputation plummeting, as Empress Isabel intended.
I wasn’t afraid of rumors about my poor character.
It would be fine if Espin abandoned me.
I’d been cruel to her, so she had every right to discard me.
But I didn’t want her to side with Empress Isabel.
I didn’t want her to stand with her and become my enemy.
For a brief moment, Espin sent me a clear, unguarded glance before calmly opening her mouth.
“Yes, I’m being bullied.”
“!”
It felt like my heart had stopped.
‘So that’s your choice…’
I thought she’d chosen well, yet it felt like my insides were rotting away.
All I could do was suppress the urge to bolt from the room right then and there.
I’m sorry I couldn’t say a single kind word to you in a whole year.
I’m sorry I couldn’t treat you more warmly.
I’m sorry for giving you bad memories.
It’s all my fault.
I swallowed the apologies I couldn’t voice and etched Espin’s image into my mind one last time.
“Betty bullied me.”
But the person Espin pointed to wasn’t me—it was someone else.
She pointed her finger at the girl who’d ignored her earlier and shot Empress Isabel a look that demanded punishment.
Naturally, Empress Isabel was flustered.
It was too unexpected.
And Espin was impressive.
I nearly burst into loud laughter.
It was brilliantly beyond everyone’s expectations.
Just like last year, Espin was particularly strong against Empress Isabel.
‘Well, what now? It doesn’t look like Espin will give you the answer you want, no matter what.’
As if sensing my inner thoughts, Empress Isabel didn’t give up and coaxed Espin further.
She tried guiding her toward the desired response in various ways, but Espin deftly dodged the conversation every time.
“Espin, think carefully. I’ll help you, so don’t hesitate to tell me. How did you end up collapsing?”
In the end, Empress Isabel brought up the day Espin had fainted and been carried away.
I tensed, watching Espin closely.
“You must have misunderstood, Your Majesty. No one bullied me—it was my own greed for food that caused it.”
Espin claimed it was all her own fault.
‘She has every right to resent me…’
But there wasn’t a trace of that in her.
I was so grateful, and so sorry.
Realizing she couldn’t get what she wanted from Espin, Empress Isabel flipped and began ignoring her.
For the remaining time, she treated Espin like she didn’t exist, leaving her sitting there alone.
Does she still not know what’s happened to her?
Is she really okay?
I wanted to speak to her, but I couldn’t, fearing it would cause problems.
I was so worried, I don’t even know how I passed the time.
At some point, Empress Isabel announced the end of the tea party and left.
Espin’s face lit up as she rose from her seat.
Before leaving, she hesitated and offered a farewell.
“I’ll head out first. It was nice seeing you again. I wish Your Highness a glorious future.”
It sounded like a final goodbye.
As if to show her intent to keep her distance.
But I didn’t want today to be the last.
I’d make sure it wasn’t.
* * *
After the tea party, there was no contact from Espin.
I’d expected it, but seeing her turn away so decisively made me realize she was more resolute than I’d thought.
Thinking I should be careful from now on, I sent her a letter first—for the first time.
Had I unconsciously sent it in my usual curt manner toward Espin?
[Your Highness Prince Luciano,
Thank you so much for the invitation.
However, due to circumstances, I won’t be able to visit tomorrow.
If it’s urgent business, please send it by letter, and I’ll respond.
Espin Samuel]
A polite rejection arrived from Espin.
It was more shocking than I’d anticipated.
Unconsciously, I’d assumed she wouldn’t refuse.
A mix of inexplicable frustration, despair, and betrayal.
But soon, I realized Espin must have felt this way every time.
Recognizing how my lack of consideration had slowly wounded her, I reflected and sent a second invitation.
I’d expected a few more rejections, but Espin accepted on the second try.
However, unlike before, she appeared with a slightly sullen expression.
I seated her and prepared what I’d resolved to do.
As I poured and handed her the tea, Espin wore a dazed look.
“Don’t just stare—drink it.”
Even when I directly urged her to drink, surprised that I was serving her tea, she remained stunned.
For me, it had taken great resolve.
It had been a very long time since I’d eaten or drunk anything with another person.
Even now, feigning composure, my heart was pounding.
Still, I felt I had to offer Espin something to eat or drink.
Considering her efforts and hardships, I needed to take a step forward too.
When I prompted her once more, Espin finally drank the tea.
“!”
She made a strangely surprised face, then glared at me.
I waited to see what she’d say, but she didn’t speak first.
This meeting made me realize how much she’d changed.
She no longer initiated conversation like before, nor did she smile at me.
I needed to apologize, but her indifferent attitude strangely kept the words from coming out.
I couldn’t speak, fearing she’d declare it truly over.
Espin drank her tea in silence, and as soon as she finished, she said she’d leave.
Seeing her try to depart without a hint of reluctance, I hastily grabbed her.
“When will you come again next?”
“Why?”
I was caught off guard by Espin’s response and couldn’t answer.
“You’re not really interested in seeing me again, Your Highness.”
Knowing my wrongs were too great, I couldn’t say that wasn’t true.
“Then why ask about the next meeting? If you have business, just say it now.”
Her drawing a line, insisting we only meet for business, felt cruel.
How could a person change so abruptly? I wanted to demand.
But in the end, it was my fault.
I’d hurt her first.
I’d been indifferent first.
I’d drawn the line first, saying not to come without business.
To meet Espin again, I needed to create a reason.
“Because… it’s my responsibility.”
It wasn’t just out of duty that I was holding on.
She’d asked for a reason, so I’d given one.
Of course, I was genuinely sorry for her becoming isolated because of me.
“I’m really clueless about this. Did something happen to me?”
But Espin seemed utterly unaffected.
Her face was clear, as if nothing had occurred.
To the point where my worries about her chewing over loneliness drained away, leaving me deflated.
“I don’t know what you’re worried about, but I’m fine. You don’t need to feel responsible for me, Your Highness.”
She even comforted me.
Truly, she was foolishly kind to a fault—that was so like her.
But that moment of touched admiration was brief.
Seeing her happily say it was over and to send her home now, anger suddenly welled up.
Just a short while ago, she’d been desperate to meet me.
Her turnaround was as sharp as a knife.
When I asked why, she said she’d wanted to get close back then.
“So, not anymore, I suppose.”
“Yes. A year is plenty of effort on my part. One-sided things get exhausting.”
I’d been soaking in Espin for that year, yet she said not anymore.
It felt like she deemed the past year worthless.
To me, it had been warmth, a breath of fresh air.
It had been everything.
And now, end that comforting time after just one year?
“You’re wrong.”
That couldn’t happen.
If that was the case, Espin shouldn’t have approached me in the first place.
She shouldn’t have spoken to me so warmly, or smiled so kindly.
She should have left me to believe I was fine alone.
To suggest we become strangers now?
I’d come to hate being alone, and I’d learned the joy of time together.
Such warmth wasn’t enough for a year—it wouldn’t be enough for a lifetime.
Yes, I couldn’t end it like this.
And.
I mustn’t end it like this.
There was so much I hadn’t done for Espin.
A proper apology yet.
Compensation for what she’d lost because of me.
I hadn’t given her anything.
I needed time to make amends.
As much as I’d received,
“A year isn’t enough. Put in more effort. Then, see you the day after tomorrow at 2.”
Now it was my turn to give.
