She dressed the child in it and carried her to the window. The sunlight shone on the small pearls across the chest, like lively musical notes.
“Do you know how pretty you are?” she whispered to the child.
The child leaned softly against her shoulder, rubbing her face against Xu Yan’s neck.
On the train, Xu Yan felt a pang in her heart when she heard the whistle. She closed her eyes, wanting to sleep for a bit, but her ears were filled with buzzing noise.
Irritated, she twisted open a water bottle, gulped it down, and stared out at the trees and houses flashing by. She gradually calmed down and made a decision.
When she got back, she would tell Shen Haoming everything. He’d find out sooner or later. She wanted to discuss with him about bringing the child to Beijing to live when she was older. If possible, she wanted to adopt her.
The driver was waiting for her at the station to take her to dinner. Shen Haoming had reserved a Japanese restaurant.
When they were first dating, they’d been there once, looking out from the tatami room’s glass window at the small Japanese garden, but now it was too dark, and the moss-covered stones had turned black.
Let’s have some drinks, she said to Shen Haoming. I was just thinking the same, he replied, flipping through the wine list.
The sake was served in a round-bellied blue glass bottle. She and Shen Haoming clinked glasses.
He asked, “When’s the film airing? ”
She paused for a moment. Shen Haoming said,
“The one you shot on this trip”.
“Oh, next month, I think, not sure how it’ll turn out after editing. ”
” Has your mom gone to Paris yet? ”
” Not yet, next week. ”
They insisted on taking Uncle Xu’s private plane. Xu Yan said, Nice, the four of them can play mahjong on the plane. Shen Haoming smirked and said,
“Boring as hell.”
The garden’s outline outside the window was swallowed by the night, leaving only a corner illuminated by the light, the stones glowing faintly green.
Xu Yan drank a glass of sake, looked up at Shen Haoming,
“You know, I’ve always thought you have a lot of admirable qualities… ”
She smiled and said, “You know I’m not good at expressing myself, but I really think you’re kind, with a sense of justice…”
Shen Haoming asked, “Why are you saying this? ”
“And you’re so patient with me. Our family backgrounds are different, our habits are different, there must be things about me that bother you…”
Shen Haoming interrupted her,
“Can you not say stuff like that? ”
Xu Yan poured herself another glass of sake, pressing her flushed face against the glass,
” I came to Beijing at eighteen, knowing no one. In my spare time, I worked as a tutor, a shop assistant, hosted weddings for people, earned money to buy clothes, to eat at Western restaurants. I just wanted to live a bit more decently, you understand? When I was a kid, we had nothing at home, not even a desk—I had to do my homework on the windowsill… I really cherish the life I have now, cherish you, so I’ve always… ”
Xu Yan started to cry.
Shen Haoming frowned at her, and her heart froze, unsure how to continue.
The waiter brought in dessert. They ate in silence. Shen Haoming poured her more sake and refilled his own glass. Xu Yan took a sip, mustered her courage, and said,
” My cousin, the one who came to Beijing in the winter… ”
Shen Haoming slammed his glass on the table. Xu Yan froze. He slumped his shoulders .
“These past couple of days, I’ve been staying at Fang Lei’s place, um,”
he poured another glass and said, ” I was going to tell you in a few days, but you’re making me sound so good, it makes me feel ashamed. I wasn’t planning to hide it from you—you know I hate liars. ”
Xu Yan nodded blankly. She gripped the sake bottle, wanting to pour another glass, but couldn’t bring herself to pick it up. The bottle’s surface was covered in tiny droplets, like some kind of painful secretion.
She asked softly,” Is it just starting with you two, or is it already over? ”
Shen Haoming didn’t answer, lighting a cigarette, white smoke rising from between his fingers. Xu Yan propped herself up from the tatami with her arms, stood up, and said,
” I’m leaving. When you’ve figured things out, let me know what you plan to do.”
She opened the door and walked out. Shen Haoming chased after her, draping her coat over her shoulders, saying, “You forgot your coat again.”
Then he opened his arms and hugged her. Was this a final goodbye? Her heart trembled, and she pushed him away, running to the street and flagging down a taxi.
She pulled the door open and walked out. Shen Haoming chased after her, draping a coat over her shoulders and saying,
“You forgot to wear your coat again.”
Then he opened his arms and hugged her.
Was this a final goodbye? Her heart raced, and she pushed him away, running to the roadside to flag down a taxi.
Back home, she felt her body burning, as if she had a fever. She set an alarm, swallowed two pills, and lay down.
“Help me,” she said into the darkness.
As the sky outside began to lighten, she sensed Qiao Lin was there, sitting on the edge of the bed with her back to her, turning to look at her. Qiao Lin’s gaze promised nothing, yet it calmed Xu Yan.
The alarm rang several times. She struggled to sit up and glanced at the other side of the bed—smooth, untouched.
She took a shower and toasted two slices of bread.
A text message popped up on her phone. She didn’t look at it, instead walking over to open the curtains. It was raining outside. She spread apricot jam on the bread and ate slowly. Only after finishing did she pick up the phone and open the message.
[Shen Haoming: Let’s break up. I’m sorry.]
She finished the milk in her cup, grabbed an umbrella, and went out.
Taking ten days off had left a pile of work.
She recorded three episodes in one go. During a break, the director came in to discuss changes to the show: “Be livelier, don’t be so lifeless, okay? If the ratings stay this low, the show will be canceled.”
Xu Yan said, “Then I’ll host a news program.” The director laughed loudly, “Like *Legal Focus*? Didn’t know you had a sense of social responsibility.”
Xu Yan changed into another outfit and sat in front of the mirror to touch up her makeup. She asked the makeup artist,
“What do you think about me getting a short haircut?”
The makeup artist said, “Yeah, it’d be nice. No more bangs covering your forehead—it blocks your luck.”
Xu Yan smiled and said, “I’ll take your advice.”
On her way home, Xu Yan stopped by a hair salon. When she walked out, it was already dark. The summer breeze felt cool on her neck.
She bought two pieces of bread at a convenience store and headed home.
There was a bar on the roadside, perhaps newly opened. She glanced inside at the warm lighting and pushed the door open.
The bar was small, with only one man slumped over a table in the corner.
She sat at the counter and ordered a mojito. The man in the corner came over to order another whiskey. It was her neighbor, surnamed Tang. He nodded at her and returned to his seat.
Hoarse electronic music played in the bar, like something was molding. After her third drink, she thought she should get drunk for once.
She’d never tried it—her ex-boyfriends loved drinking, so she always stayed sober to get them home.
Someone was tapping the counter. She looked up. The bar owner said expressionlessly, “I’m closing up. My girlfriend’s waiting at home.”
Then he walked to the corner, woke her neighbor, and stood there watching as he spread the money from his pocket on the table, counting it bill by bill.
Xu Yan sat at the doorstep of her grandma’s house.
She was leaving for Beijing tomorrow, her suitcase already packed, with many childhood items still to sort through. She dragged the cardboard boxes outside and sat on the threshold, slowly going through them.
Qiao Lin walked over, holding two ice cream cones, melted cream dripping down. She sat beside Xu Yan and handed her the vanilla one.
Qiao Lin said, “I bought a pen. Can you give it to Yu Yiming?”
They ate their ice cream in silence. A boy from the neighboring courtyard, about ten years old, walked over and stood watching them.
Qiao Lin pointed at the ice cream and said, “Next time, I’ll get you one, okay?”
The boy didn’t speak, just stood there. Scattered on the ground were odds and ends from the boxes: a bottle of medicated oil, a tin of vanishing cream, a piece of floral fabric with frayed edges—these toys that weren’t toys, once Xu Yan’s most cherished childhood treasures.
Qiao Lin said, “That vanishing cream tin might be the one I gave you.”
Xu Yan said, “I traded you a button for it.”
“What button?” Qiaolin asked.
Xu Yan said, “It was my favorite button, and you don’t even remember.”
She huffed, shoved the ice cream cone in her mouth, got up to wash her hands, and suddenly heard a clatter behind her.
The boy from next door picked up a kite from the pile and ran off.
Qiao Lin said to her, “Come on, let’s go get it back!”
The boy reached the alley’s end, turned a corner, and ran toward the main road. They were blocked by a car and fell far behind, but they kept running.
