Chapter 5
A short while later.
Kavil and Helena sat facing each other on the study sofas.
Steaming cups of tea were placed before them, but neither touched theirs until the tea had grown lukewarm.
“……”
“……”
Helena realized that the courage she had barely mustered from seeing the wildflower had vanished entirely from her heart.
She marveled at her past self, feeling both puzzled and proud of how she had managed to go to the training ground and speak without trembling.
Regretting belatedly that she should have spoken right then instead of waiting for him to wash up, Helena parted her lips several times before closing them again.
Kavil’s patience gradually wore thin as he watched Helena open and close her mouth like a goldfish, finding it quite intriguing. For him, it had been an unusually long wait.
Finally, unable to endure any longer, Kavil spoke first.
“So, what is it you want to say?”
Helena reflexively lifted her head at the sudden low voice, her eyes widening. Though Kavil seemed unaware, water droplets were still dripping from his freshly washed hair.
The droplets trailed down his firm chest, visible through his unbuttoned shirt. Unconsciously following the sight with her eyes, Helena startled belatedly and lowered her gaze.
Blinking in embarrassment, she took a deep breath. Deliberately fixing her eyes on the teacup, she spoke.
“Your Grace said it yourself. That I should live here like a ghost, never letting even my breath be heard, never showing myself.”
“……”
“To spend my entire life in this place as invisibly as possible. Right?”
“…Yes. And why is that?”
“I don’t think I can follow that command.”
“What? Out of nowhere, what do you…”
Kavil’s brow furrowed like crumpled paper at the unexpected words. Helena, flinching involuntarily, clenched one hand out of his sight.
After taking a small breath, she spoke in a calm but composed tone.
“I’ve thought about it deeply. Why you gave me that command on our wedding night and then left.”
“……”
“No matter how much I pondered, I couldn’t find a reason. So, even if it’s late, I’ve come to ask you directly now. Why did you give me that command?”
“……”
“Why do you avoid me? And why do you always look at me…”
Helena bit her lip gently before slowly looking up at Kavil.
“With those eyes.”
“What kind of eyes?”
“Eyes filled with deep regret.”
“……”
Kavil sighed and rubbed his face dryly.
“Was it that hard to follow? I apologize for making you wait on our wedding night. But there was a reason for that…”
“No. You don’t need to explain that. You know that’s not the reason I want to hear.”
“……”
Her claim of having mustered courage seemed genuine, as Helena gazed at Kavil with quite resolute eyes. It was a look that said she wouldn’t back down until he answered.
Kavil opened and closed his mouth uncharacteristically. He didn’t know how to respond to her demand for an explanation.
No one had ever demanded an explanation from him except the previous duke. In this utterly unfamiliar situation, he racked his brain to somehow give her the answer she wanted.
But when no suitable response came to mind, he roughly tousled his hair in rising irritation. Closing his eyes tightly before opening them, he slowly spoke. He decided to be honest, as it was.
“When I see you… memories I’d rather forget come flooding back.”
“Are they bad memories?”
“Yes. Very, very bad ones.”
“……”
“That’s why. Seeing you is painful. Even now. Just facing you like this is suffocatingly hard.”
“So, you’re saying I resemble your bad memories?”
“Yes.”
“……”
“I think that’s explanation enough. Don’t come to me suddenly like today. If you have something to say, convey it through the butler.”
At his cold tone drawing a firm line, Helena offered a faint smile.
“I understand.”
“Then from now on…”
“But still, following that command will be difficult.”
“What?”
“You seem to have forgotten, but I am your wife. I won’t ask what those bad memories are. But to say you’ll ignore me for life just for that reason… it seems too irresponsible.”
“……”
“I’ll prove that I don’t resemble your bad memories. So, at least make an effort to see me for who I am, not overlaid with those memories…”
“No, don’t prove it. I’m not going to do anything.”
As if there was nothing more to hear, Kavil raised his hand to cut off Helena’s words.
He continued in a ruthless tone.
“Didn’t you say the same on our wedding night? That you never wanted to see me again. Was all that a lie?”
“……”
Leaning forward threateningly, his beast-like golden eyes flashed fiercely.
“I think the distance between us is just right. There’s no need for you to bother with efforts or proofs.”
“……”
“I know you’re not my bad memories. But I…”
“……”
“I want to keep you as a bad memory.”
“……”
“I mean, I don’t want to get close to you enough to make the effort.”
He wore a slightly frustrated expression, as if wondering if he really had to spell it out like this.
Helena lowered her eyes and bit the inside of her lip. Emotions like anger, frustration, and sadness clawed sharply at her heart.
An uncomfortable silence filled the space between them for a moment.
When Helena finally lifted her head, her eyes had calmed, masking all emotions. It was like the still waves before a fierce storm.
Helena met Kavil’s gaze straight on and spoke.
“Your Grace is a coward.”
“What?”
“I understood perfectly what you meant. That you want to keep me as your bad memory.”
Helena forced the corners of her mouth upward.
“Fine. Then I’ll do my best to become your bad memory. At least I know exactly what about me you dislike.”
“……”
“I’ll go first. The conversation was enjoyable.”
Kavil’s face crumpled at the unexpected response. Before he could speak again, Helena fled the study as if escaping and ran to her room.
As soon as she entered the quiet room, she collapsed against the door, gasping the breath she had held back. With her eyes tightly shut, Helena clutched her necklace.
“But I want to keep you as a bad memory.”
“I mean, I don’t want to get close to you enough to make the effort.”
Kavil’s words echoed, leaving repeated scratches on her heart. Burying her face in her knees while leaning against the door, Helena murmured softly.
“…You bastard.”
It was a night sorrowful enough to keep her from sleep.
The next day.
Kavil, who had tossed and turned all night just like Helena, woke with a more haggard face than usual. Ignoring Claude’s fuss over his appearance, he descended to the first floor and stopped abruptly on the stairs.
Helena, in the entrance hall, turned her head as if sensing his presence. Their gazes met in midair, and Helena’s eyes curved softly.
“Good morning, Your Grace.”
“……”
Narrowing his brow, Kavil strode toward Helena. Even as he approached right up to her, she didn’t step back, gazing at him with eyes tinged with amusement.
It was Kavil who felt disconcerted instead. He asked with a bewildered expression.
“Madam. What are you doing right now?”
“What do you mean? I’m here to see my husband off. You’re heading to the council meeting, right? Take care.”
“……”
“Oh, right—how about having lunch together today? Come to think of it, we haven’t had a proper meal together.”
At Helena’s words, the servants behind her widened their eyes in shock. Kavil’s eyes narrowed. It was only yesterday that he had said he didn’t want her close.
He couldn’t understand what she was thinking, proposing a meal to him now.
Tilting his head slightly, he scrutinized her small face. A bright smile still lingered on her lips, but her eyes were rigidly set.
From that, Kavil easily discerned her intent. Helena was trying to make him as uncomfortable as possible.
“Then I’ll do my best to become your bad memory. At least I know exactly what about me you dislike.”
He hadn’t understood what that meant at the time.
‘So this is how she meant to become a bad memory.’
Kavil let out a deflated laugh of disbelief. It seemed she thought he disliked even seeing her face.
It was a ridiculous misunderstanding. He didn’t dislike her. If anything…
Kavil stopped his thoughts there. He didn’t want to delve deeper into his feelings. Instead of correcting her misunderstanding, he stepped even closer to her.
The already close distance between them narrowed to less than a hand’s breadth. Helena flinched in surprise, her body tensing, but she didn’t retreat as before.
It was then that his golden eyes flashed with interest for a moment. Kavil deliberately leaned his upper body close to her and whispered.
“Is this the best you can do?”
“I told you, I may not know what you like, but I know exactly what you dislike.”
“So that’s why you’re here to see me off?”
“Yes. Is there anything you want to eat? As long as it’s not too difficult, I’ll try to prepare it.”
Helena’s eyes curved softly. It was a smile as fresh as early spring. Staring intently at the curved ends of her eyes, Kavil unconsciously extended his hand. Toward her white cheek tinged with pink.
Helena’s shoulders stiffened at the cool fingertips touching her cheek. She recalled the day his bloodstained hand had caressed her cheek and chin.
Kavil noticed Helena freezing up. She was afraid of him. It was something he knew to some extent, but it oddly soured his mood.
Realizing this, Kavil immediately withdrew his hand. Shrugging his shoulders, he added,
“There was a hair stuck.”
Helena looked unconvinced. She parted her lips as if she had something to say.
Kavil spoke first, preempting her.
“Let’s have lunch together.”
“……!”
Her eyes widened in shock at the entirely unexpected response, shaking with bewilderment.
The corner of Kavil’s mouth twisted upward crookedly. Deliberately pressing his lips to her ear, he whispered in a low voice.
“Don’t be late.”
“……”
Leaving the dubiously blinking Helena behind, Kavil leaped onto the waiting horse in front of the mansion.
Helena, belatedly understanding his words, frowned as she watched Kavil, but he had already turned his horse, leading the knights away.
Hah. Helena exhaled a hollow breath, gazing at Kavil’s retreating figure.
* * *
The council meeting was in full swing in the conference hall.
“The flood damage in the southwestern region is severe. We need to take action quickly…”
“For the northern region, which has suffered long-term from monster attacks, reconstruction projects…”
Leading today’s meeting was Prince Lucien. All the nobles listened intently, careful not to miss a single word from him.
Seated in a slouched posture, Kavil twirled a pen with his fingertips, lost in unrelated thoughts.
“Your Grace is a coward.”
Helena’s bold words, uttered with eyes that seemed on the verge of tears, tickled his ear.
‘She looked like she might have cried.’
Recalling how her eyes had been red that morning, Kavil’s brow furrowed. He truly didn’t know how to handle Helena.
Until now, his life had been entirely composed of commands. In his weak childhood, his father’s commands had dominated him, and after growing strong, he naturally became the one issuing them.
In the face of power, human relationships became astonishingly simple. The strong and the weak. The commander and the obedient. No knight disobeyed the commands of him, the supreme commander. No one defied or questioned his orders.
Commands were law, order, and justice. His life consisted of such simple and clear power dynamics.
Yet, Helena alone was an exception.
She was the weakest person Kavil had ever seen. So frail she couldn’t even properly hold a weapon, seeming to need someone’s protection.
Yet she disobeyed his commands and instead demanded he make her understand. That he make an effort so she could accept his orders. It was utterly incomprehensible to him.
But even more incomprehensible was his own behavior toward her. During the subjugation of foreign tribes, he who had drawn his sword before negotiations, somehow tried to continue conversations with her.
Kavil found his changed self in front of Helena unfamiliar. And soon, frightening. Exceptions always created problems.
He knew he should stop before something irreversible happened, but his resolve crumbled whenever he faced Helena. Feeling trapped in a maze with no exit, his mood grew stifling, and his eyes sank low.
It was then that a sudden word from Lucien made the pen spinning in Kavil’s hand come to an abrupt halt.
