008
I spoke more firmly to the maids.
“Do you want to be dragged out with her?”
Startled, they each grabbed one of Nanny’s arms. But the two of them, delicate and slight, were no match for Nanny’s solid frame. I flicked my gaze toward another maid lingering nearby. Unlike the others, she seemed to catch on quickly and rushed over to assist.
“H-how could you… How could you do this…”
Even as she was being pulled away, Nanny kept murmuring, disbelief thick in her voice. She would sulk, I was sure of it. Just thinking about having to coax her out of it later made my head throb. Today was exhausting in every way.
“Don’t just stand there, Countess. Please, have a seat.”
I lowered myself into a chair by the table and gestured to the one opposite. Countess Pison gave me a curious look.
“You came because you had something to say, didn’t you?”
“You’re not quite what I expected.”
She sat down slowly, her voice half a murmur. Her eyes, from the moment she entered, had not left me. Ignoring her gaze, I waved over a maid who had remained in the room.
“Two cups of lavender tea.”
She nodded and left quickly. I sank deeper into the chair, eyes meeting the Countess’s. She still wore that peculiar look, as if she were trying to figure out who I was.
“That’s not really what you came to say, is it?”
Our eyes locked.
Silence hung between us for a moment before she let out a soft sigh.
“Your nanny,” she said quietly, “—if I were to charge her with the crime of insulting a noble, what would you do?”
So she wasn’t going to let it go after all. I had anticipated this and struck preemptively, but it still left a bitter taste.
“I don’t care much for dancing around words. Just say what it is you want, Countess.”
“Please… meet with him. Just once.”
—
In the end, I went to see the Earl.
He was staying in the guest annex. He had collapsed during the Marchioness’s funeral, and though he had regained consciousness shortly after it ended, it wasn’t public knowledge.
According to the Countess, the first thing he asked for when he awoke was me. Her face, as she said this, twisted faintly with something like bitterness.
“My dear…”
The Earl’s voice cracked with emotion as he saw me. He tried to sit up in bed but failed, straining with effort. The Countess hurried to his side to help him.
He looked ten years older than when I’d last seen him. His once-proud frame seemed to have shrunk, and deep hollows had formed beneath his cheekbones. Even raising his hand toward me seemed to take all the strength he had left. His fingers trembled, thin and brittle like the branch of a dying tree.
At that moment, I knew.
The rumors were wrong. The Countess hadn’t poisoned him. She hadn’t needed to.
There was no light left in his eyes, no fight left in his body. He was already half-departed.
Losing his daughter must have shattered something inside him. Perhaps this meeting, this final visit—was his way of saying goodbye.
I stepped closer. He reached out, and his hand wrapped around mine. It was as rough and worn as it looked.
“Are you… alright?” he asked.
I stared at him in silence. There was no reason I shouldn’t be. The Marchioness and I had always been strangers beneath the same roof. Once, I had resented her. But not anymore. Now, she was simply someone I used to know—a stranger in truth as well as in name. There was no grief, no hatred. Only a faint, detached pity. One woman looking at another and thinking: Was death really the only way out for you?
But then again, I had chosen the same end once.
Back then, I had cursed the world that drove me to the edge. I had screamed at a man who would not look at me, and hurled my pain at a life that seemed intent on breaking me.
Was there really no other path? No better choice?
I could still recall that pain—visceral, suffocating. At the time, it had felt like death was the only escape. I had wanted so desperately to be free of it, of him, of everything. I had loved him too much. Far too much. I was exhausted.
That was why I understood the Marchioness. We had been the same—consumed by love, blind to reason, foolish in our desperation.
But now? Would I still make that same mistake again?
A cold chill swept over me like ice water. Emotions I had buried deep began to rise, clawing their way to the surface.
I hadn’t seen him yet. Not since returning.
What would happen if I did?
Would I fall all over again, helpless and unthinking, only to choose ruin once more?
My fingertips trembled. I was afraid. Afraid of a future that hadn’t even happened yet. Afraid of the woman I might become again if I saw him.
“I’m sorry.”
Warmth enveloped me.
At some point, the Earl had pulled me into his arms. His large, rough hand gently stroked my back, clumsy but comforting.
“I should never have turned away, no matter how painful it was. It’s all my fault.”
His voice trembled. He was crying.
I pulled back slightly and looked up at him. Tears had carved lines through the wrinkles on his face.
With both hands, he cupped my cheeks. His palms were coarse, but the warmth in them spread through me.
“All of it was this old man’s fault. So please, don’t cry.”
I didn’t understand. I wasn’t crying.
He looked at me, and his face contorted in sorrow.
His thumb brushed beneath my eyes.
And I felt it—wetness.
“Don’t cry so quietly, my child. Don’t cry like your heart is breaking.”
In his gaze, reflected back at me, I saw tears streaming down my face.
Act III. Crossroads
“Young Lady, which one do you prefer?”
Nanny’s voice was bright as she held up one dress after another, clearly enjoying herself. I let out a slow sigh. Ever since the incident with the Countess, Nanny had been thoroughly sulking and hadn’t come near me for days.
Physically, I hadn’t been inconvenienced by her absence. There were plenty of others in this household who could serve as my hands and feet—all I had to do was give orders. But I couldn’t just leave her alone forever. No matter what anyone said, she was the one who had raised me. I wouldn’t pretend she had a warm or easy temperament, but even so, she was the only person here I could truly call mine.
Then, as if on cue, a summons arrived from the imperial palace. An invitation addressed to me.
Getting Nanny out of her sulking state turned out to be easier than expected.
“The palace has invited me… but how am I supposed to go if Nanny doesn’t help me prepare?”
Dangling that bait worked instantly. She forgot all about her bruised pride and leapt into action.
“Goodness, none of these dresses are doing it for me today. If we had time, I’d order a few new ones, but alas…”
Despite her grumbling, her hands moved quickly. At her direction, maids scurried about, carrying dresses and accessories back and forth like a well-rehearsed parade.
“This one’s probably the best of the lot. What do you think, Young Lady?”
She held out a pale sky-blue dress with a bell-shaped skirt and a gossamer ribbon tied at the waist—a style commonly worn by young noble girls. Nanny held it up against me and nodded in satisfaction.
“I always thought sky blue suited you best. Just try it on, will you?”
I stared at the dress. My eyes stung from the color that flooded my vision.
Nanny tilted her head, puzzled by my lack of reaction.
“What’s wrong? Don’t you like it? I thought sky blue was your favorite.”
She wasn’t wrong. I had loved sky blue. The clean, open color of a cloudless sky paired beautifully with my gold-brown hair. I’d loved it so much that my wardrobe was full of it. The dress she held was just one of many.
“Young Lady?”
“I don’t want to wear it.”
“What? Why not?”
“I don’t like that color anymore. Pick something else.”
Nanny must’ve thought I was just being capricious. With a helpless shrug, she began sorting through the dresses again. I looked down at the sky-blue dress she’d left behind.
Sky blue.
The color I had once adored—now a shade I loathed.
Repressed emotions surged up again. Ever since I’d cried in front of the Earl, I’d been struggling to keep my feelings in check. It felt like a dam had cracked somewhere deep inside me.
Even after realizing I was crying, I hadn’t understood why. But the Earl… he had simply embraced me again.
It was the first warmth I had felt since remembering who I really was.
Something Beonne had never known, but Ji-ah remembered well—familial love.
The Earl must have made some kind of decision, watching my tears fall. He asked me to give him time.
“I’ll return soon. I swear to you, my dear, I’m not leaving you behind.”
He repeated those words again and again.
He had misunderstood something, I think. But I hadn’t corrected him.
As soon as he was strong enough to move, he left the Eliont estate. He looked back several times, as if something within him wouldn’t let go. I said nothing to send him off. But it seemed that simply having me come to see him was enough for him.
Before she left with him, I handed Countess Pison a pouch of herbs said to be good for expectant mothers. It was an unusually kind gesture from me—but somehow, I’d wanted to do it. She looked at me with an unreadable expression, caught between laughter and tears.
Just thinking of the Earl calmed the storm inside me a little. These sudden bursts of emotion weren’t a good sign. I hadn’t realized how heavily the thought of entering the palace was already weighing on me.
I sighed. If I was this shaken before even seeing him… what would become of me after?
I had fallen in love with him at first sight. I still remembered that moment. He was dazzling. To my young eyes, he looked like something out of a dream. I’d been blinded by that beauty, and in my blindness, I gave myself to him completely. I would’ve walked through fire just to stand at his side.
From the moment I first saw him, I’d been utterly, madly in love.
“Young Lady?”
Nanny laid a hand on my shoulder. She looked concerned, watching me stare wordlessly at the abandoned dress.
“Is it not to your liking?”
“No, it’s fine.”
At my answer, she immediately held up a different dress—a soft lime green one, embroidered with delicate silver flowers.
“If we’re going to do your hair and makeup, we don’t have time to dawdle. Come now, hurry!”
She bustled around, urging me into the dress as the maids stepped in to help. My body was tugged and turned, powdered and painted. Nanny braided my hair into two plaits and coiled them into a bun, then tied a ribbon the same shade of lime to match the dress, letting the silk stream down over the loops.
“Oh, my goodness—you look stunning.”
“My lady, no one in this empire rivals your beauty
