When I came to, I was dazed at first.
The hazy view before me was a familiar space.
My bedroom.
My body was in such terrible shape that I couldn’t make sense of anything.
‘What is this strange feeling of disconnection?’
“Miss, are you awake?”
The worried voice snapped my dazed mind back to reality.
Reflexively, I sought out the source of the voice and met the eyes of my nursemaid, who was looking at me with a sorrowful expression.
“Are you all right? Does anything hurt?”
Only after hearing the question did I realize my entire body ached.
“Nurse, huh…”
I opened my mouth, wanting to whine as usual, but my throat hurt so much that I had to close it again.
‘Why am I in this state?’
“Don’t speak. They said your throat is badly injured inside.”
With those words, my nursemaid helped prop me up so I could drink some water.
As the lukewarm water passed down my throat, it stung.
Unable to drink more, I shook my head, and she took the cup away.
Swallowing what remained brought a grimace of pain to my face.
Her finger came up to rub the furrow between my brows, smoothing it out.
Then, her palm naturally swept across my forehead, and the touch felt so good that I stayed still.
Wherever her hand touched, the pain seemed to gradually fade away.
I relaxed my body completely, languidly surrendering to that touch.
A drowsy haze began to settle over me.
“Do you remember anything, my little miss?”
‘Hmm? What memory all of a sudden?’
I opened my eyes, which had been drifting shut. Her gaze was cautious.
As if gauging my condition, and as I searched my memory, I recalled the situation just before I collapsed.
“!”
That humiliating moment when I had vomited everything up right in front of Prince Luciano!
‘No way! Tell me it was a dream!’
My voice wouldn’t come out, so I widened my eyes and desperately moved my lips without sound.
As if reading my thoughts, my nursemaid shook her head slowly with a pitying look.
‘Did I really do that?’
“I went to the prince’s palace and brought you back after you fainted.”
Her expression said my appearance had been a mess, and all the strength drained from my body.
She stroked my hair, but it offered no comfort at all.
To think that whole thing was real.
To have done that right in front of Prince Luciano!
It felt like I’d lost the world.
Is this what it means to die of shame?
I’d overestimated a child’s body too much.
I’d foolishly believed I could force myself to endure and hold it in like an adult.
I wanted nothing more than to pull the covers over my head and kick wildly in frustration.
Unfortunately, I was in such bad shape that I didn’t even have the energy for that.
Should I be grateful that I’d made it home while unconscious?
At least I didn’t have to face Prince Luciano the moment I opened my eyes—that alone was something to thank the heavens for.
I had no confidence to look him in the face after showing him something like that.
‘What do I do now…’
My head felt like it would explode from the embarrassment and helplessness.
I didn’t know anything anymore.
For now, since my body was in the worst condition, I should rest a bit and think later.
I took my nursemaid’s hand, which was watching me with concern, and placed it on my head.
Understanding my intent, she gently stroked my hair.
“Everything will be all right.”
Yes, like she said, everything would turn out fine.
With that tender touch making all my stray thoughts fade away, I closed my eyes.
* * *
That incident was quite a shock to me as well.
Not everyone gets to experience emptying their stomach in front of someone else while fully conscious.
Perhaps that’s why, even as time passed, the desire to die of embarrassment kept resurfacing.
Not that I would actually die, of course.
Still, I couldn’t help the deep sighs that escaped me now and then, or the urge to kick the blankets in madness.
I wanted to dig a hole in the ground and crawl into it.
I needed some alone time for the mortification to subside.
But that wasn’t possible.
“Espin, my dear girl. Have you been resting well?”
Mother entered the room, calling out to me.
“Mother!”
“Oh, how disappointing. Call me Mama.”
She said it with a hint of sadness.
I just smiled, and as Mother approached, she caressed my cheek.
“Are you feeling any better?”
“Yes, I’m fine now.”
“Good, don’t push yourself at all.”
Knowing the worry for me woven into her gentle words, I simply smiled back.
Mother hugged me, then held my hand tightly.
“You’ve been cooped up in the house lately—aren’t you bored?”
“No. I’m busy reading books and studying.”
It was a time filled with thoughts, but I had no leisure to berate myself over my massive mistake.
The incident of me being carried home from the prince’s palace had apparently shocked my parents so much that the household was turned upside down.
“My dear, are you all right? Even if he’s a prince, how could this happen?”
Mother had shed tears, and Father had clenched his fists, suppressing his emotions.
It seemed like they might explode in anger, ignoring the fact that the other party was royalty.
“I’m fine. It was my own fault.”
So I had to tell them I was okay.
“My dear…”
“I’m really fine. Don’t worry.”
Only after I repeated that I was okay several times did they calm down.
But even then, their minds weren’t fully at ease, so Mother came by frequently to check on me.
And when I finally left my bed, she cautiously brought up the topic.
“My dear, you won’t be visiting the prince again, will you?”
My heart wanted to say yes.
After going through that, I had no confidence to face Prince Luciano again.
But strangely, I couldn’t give an easy answer.
It was as if someone had sealed my mouth shut; no words came out.
Then Mother wore a complicated expression, as if she’d expected as much.
“I’m not forcing you. Take your time to decide. Do what you want.”
She spoke softly, embracing me.
Receiving such warm affection made me grateful yet apologetic.
I couldn’t shake the thought that I’d stolen away the daughter they loved.
I didn’t know how I’d ended up possessed like this, or where the real Espin had gone.
There was no guarantee I could return to my original self, nor that the true Espin would come back.
Realizing that, I felt nothing but sorry toward Espin’s parents.
I didn’t want to disappoint such good people.
All I could do was respond with sincerity and repay them.
With that, I renewed my resolve to live.
And as I soaked in the abundant care and affection from those who worried about me, I found myself accepting the fact of my possession more easily.
I calmed down quickly, but my parents did not.
The event of me being carried home from the prince’s palace must have been profoundly shocking to them.
They even seemed to worry if Prince Luciano had deliberately tormented me.
So I had to act even more like I was fine.
Rather than holing up in my room, I made an effort to do things little by little, showing a lively demeanor.
But even that seemed to concern Mother.
“You’re studying already when your body isn’t well?”
“I’m fine. I’m only doing what I can without overdoing it.”
Seeing her face tinged with worry, I quickly explained.
“You still don’t look fully recovered.”
“No, really, I’m okay. You know I can eat properly now.”
Still, Mother’s expression didn’t soften.
This time, it was my turn to pat the back of her hand and reassure her repeatedly that I was fine.
After a short conversation, Mother left.
“Our little miss has grown up so much.”
My nursemaid, who had seen me comforting Mother, spoke with a tone of pride.
“Of course. I’m all grown up now.”
As I retorted, she let out a soft laugh.
It seemed like a relatively peaceful time.
But human memory is truly mysterious.
Happy and joyful memories fade easily, while horrific and shameful mistakes remain vividly etched.
In moments alone, that dreadful situation resurfaced.
Prince Luciano, who had only shown an icy, cold expression, had widened his eyes in shock.
Come to think of it, I felt sorry for him in another way.
I must have left him with a traumatic memory.
It was such a shocking event that it might stay with him for life.
‘Every time he thinks of me, he’ll probably recall that retching sound.’
…I realized that things working out with Prince Luciano was impossible.
I cleanly gave up on the future where we ended up together.
Even someone as brazen as me couldn’t continue playing the sunny female lead after showing him that sight.
Prince Luciano probably didn’t want to see me anymore either.
It seemed best to end it like this and erase our memories of each other.
During my recovery from illness, I reached that conclusion, and once I was fully better, I wrote a letter to Prince Luciano.
[Dear Prince Luciano,
It has been a while since I last contacted you.
I should have sent a letter of apology and thanks earlier, but please forgive me for only doing so now, as my health was poor.
First, allow me to express my gratitude.
Thank you for sending me back to the estate after I collapsed.
And I apologize for offending you with an unnecessary gift.
I truly had no impure intentions.
I am deeply sorry for showing you such an unpleasant sight that day.
I hope you can erase that horrific incident from your memory and enjoy peaceful days.
Finally, I am truly sorry for bothering you all this time.
I don’t know how you felt about it, but I was quite happy during our time together.
If there were any ways I displeased you, I ask for your generous understanding.
There will be no more disturbances from me in the future.
From Espin Samuel, who is too ashamed to lift her head]
I sent such a letter.
Now, there would be no more meetings with Prince Luciano.
All our encounters so far had happened because I’d clung to his trouser leg, so to speak.
If I didn’t reach out, we’d never meet again.
Our connection had been that fleeting.
As expected, no reply came even after two days.
It was truly over.
Still, I’d hoped for a reply wishing me well.
I’d neatly wrapped up my relationship with Prince Luciano.
Clinging to something already finished didn’t suit my temperament.
I should just live earnestly in reality.
No more turning away from it.
No treating life lightly because of the possession.
If I did that, even that shameful memory would fade away.
But making such resolutions seemed futile, because the next day, an invitation arrived for me.
[Dear Espin Samuel,
The fresh scent of spring is in full bloom these days.
To celebrate this fine weather, a modest tea party will be held at the imperial palace in a week’s time,
So I hope you can attend if possible.
Isabel Frederick]
It was an invitation bearing Empress Isabel’s name, leaving no room for refusal.
