Episode 28
“I had hoped that you would have a bit more self-control. Up until now, you have been a very obedient and submissive child. However, it seems I have misjudged. Look. Because of your stubbornness, everyone has become unhappy. The family’s excellent knight has been wounded, and you yourself have been injured. And that’s not all? Haven’t you caused worry and anxiety to others? Ah, through this incident, I have come to deeply realize that one should not trust outward virtue and discretion. I don’t know how to handle your indulgence.”
Madame de Lavallière appeared to be trying her best to speak with as benevolent an expression as possible. She made an effort not to lose her perception and ladylikeness, and strove to maintain her own special elegance.
I thought that this appearance was precisely the reason why high society sent her particular respect and affection.
“It must have been difficult to resist the temptation. I can imagine how delighted you must have been by the first invitation you received. But aren’t you still unprepared and ignorant about high society? Oh, that doesn’t mean I’m trying to deny your cleverness. But look. See how ridiculous you’ve become. Think about how heartbroken Roena must have been. She said she was sad because she couldn’t help you much.”
When had she gone to Lavallière and reported the events at the hunting ground? I couldn’t help but be surprised by her swift actions.
At the same time, I wanted to reveal that the one who had become their prey was not me but Roena, but seeing the subtle expectation in your expression, I couldn’t bring myself to open my mouth.
What Lavallière wanted right now was the poignant regret of a foolish girl who hadn’t listened to your words.
Therefore, although there was plenty of room for rebuttal and many stories that needed correction, I decided to let all of this pass as it was. There was nothing more foolish than revealing one’s immaturity.
“I believe that you have experienced and thought about many things through this incident. Therefore, it would be good to take some time for self-reflection to look back on your foolishness and calm your mind a bit more.”
Contrary to what I had prepared for, Lavallière’s words were a little softer and closer to persuasion. As if mocking my foolishness in thinking she would hurl sharp words, she showed a quite inclusive attitude and acted generously.
Your self-restraint seemed much deeper than I thought.
I was very satisfied with this desirable time and left her room.
Mother was very displeased that I had been given time for self-reflection. But she wasn’t brave enough to express your feelings to Lavallière.
Instead, she tried to soothe her daughter’s heart by frequently visiting my room and talking, but sometimes she would tell unnecessary stories, which often embarrassed me.
“Roena is worried that you might have been hurt emotionally. But she told me that she didn’t disrespect you, but just wanted to help. Child, what does this mean? I don’t understand.”
I held back a laugh and listened attentively to Mother’s words. If Roena truly felt sorry, it would have been right for her to come and talk directly.
But she chose to hide behind others, showing cowardice in using someone else to have her apology accepted.
I held Mother’s puzzled hand tightly and said in a gentle voice.
“Something like that happened. But it’s not something to worry about. So please don’t concern yourself anymore.”
***
During the time of self-reflection, I decided to take walking in the garden as a small amusement.
An ordinary person would stay cooped up in their room for quiet time, but embroidering or reading books was sufficient for a few hours a day.
The Wischwaltz family’s garden, carefully maintained by the gardener, was spacious and had a nice view, perfect for walking. The flowers and trees planted everywhere were well-trimmed and quite beautiful.
The ornaments placed around overflowed with elegance and harmonized well with the surroundings. I strolled slowly along the path, enjoying the leisure of smelling the flower scents or touching the leaves.
This walk, not to please Lavallière, but solely to appreciate the scenery, was closer to a reward than a punishment.
How long had I been walking like that? When I suddenly turned my head and looked, I spotted Sir Halberd walking toward me from that direction and was so surprised that I stopped breathing.
The garden paths were covered with bushes, but not to the extent of blocking the view, so it was structured in a way that one could easily notice someone approaching.
But I hadn’t noticed him approaching at all, and because of that, I lost the time to avoid him and run away. I was just staring at Sir Halberd as if frozen, but even after meeting my gaze, he showed no intention of taking a different path to avoid me.
Sir Halberd stopped his steps only when he reached close to the bushes. In his appearance of politely greeting me, no discomfort could be found.
I imitated Sir Halberd’s politeness by giving a ceremonial return greeting, and at the same time, I hoped he would quickly pass by me and disappear. But he seemed to have no intention of just passing by, as he continued speaking.
“I heard you were worried about me. Thank you.”
“No, I should have expressed my gratitude in advance, but I couldn’t. I thank you once again for your generosity in not blaming my rudeness.”
“No, it’s nothing.”
A heavy silence flows. Since I don’t have a personality as charming or kind as Roena, I didn’t know how to talk to him.
In the past, I had never had a normal conversation with Sir Halberd. Most of the time, it was me clinging madly, crying, and getting angry, and each time, this kind man would avert his gaze as if troubled and politely utter words of rejection.
Moreover, now I was in a state of self-reflection, and I needed to possess the modesty, maturity, and discretion that a lady should have without shame. Therefore, the best thing was to end the time with him through a light bow that didn’t violate etiquette.
But Rustein Halberd, the knight of clear sound, spoke first.
“Do you remember? At that time, you told me that I am Lady Roena’s knight. I won’t deny those words. Yes, I am the sword of the Wischwaltz family.”
Suddenly, I couldn’t breathe. My limbs stiffened, and my lips felt dry. I felt an impulse to cover my ears in fear of the words that would follow. But his voice was as quick as lightning and as heavy as thunder.
“Therefore, I am also your knight.”
It was the words I had so desired, but strangely, I wasn’t happy. Rather, I was afraid. Like a deer being chased by a beast, I felt sad and scared.
I tried to hold back my breath that was panting from running hard and made an effort to avoid Sir Halberd’s gaze.
Also your knight?
The past me would have been unable to contain the joy and fainted on the spot. But the current me knew that the word ‘also’ did not mean everything.
This invoked the cruel fate called ‘choice,’ and ultimately proved that Sishe de Wischwaltz could not be the top priority in Sir Halberd’s life.
What the past me and the current me equally wanted was ‘everything.’ Not a part, but all. Isn’t it the nature of a snake to swallow and digest its prey whole? If I can’t swallow it at once, it’s better not to accept it.
So how could I be happy and rejoice at his words? No matter how plausibly he speaks, the truth cannot be hidden. This was the most brutal disaster crafted by the goddess of fate.
“I send my respect for your sincere attitude. Through this incident, I have come to know how much you care for the Wischwaltz family. But there is no need to reveal that heart to me. True feelings shine brightly like the stars in the sky even if invisible.”
If poignancy could grasp his ankle, I would have become more delicate than any other young lady long ago and shed tears in sorrow every day.
If elegance had the magic to captivate him, I would have paid attention to my fingertips and tried to smile more gently than anyone.
But what captivated Sir Halberd was a smile shining brilliantly like the sun, innate loveliness, and an angelic heart.
Especially, the feeling of loveliness is relative, and if he felt this toward Roena de Wischwaltz, it was better to give up quickly. Of course, it would hurt and be painful a bit more in the future.
“My lady…….”
“Sir Halberd, I don’t know if you know, but there is nothing as scary and frightening as people’s eyes and mouths. If you truly think of me, would you allow me to withdraw now?”
The foolish Sisse of the past shouts at me.
‘You idiot! Why are you kicking away this opportunity? When else will you hear such words given your status.’
The current me says to the past Sisse.
‘Aren’t we too experienced, seen, and heard too much to be intoxicated and happy with such words? Don’t forget. If it’s not everything, it’s nothing. We’ve never had all of him even once.’
Yes, there will be times when I remind myself like this several more times in the future. That Roena’s knight is Rustein Halberd, that person. And I will regret and feel heartbroken a few more times.
But the current me is a bit more prudent, thoughtful, and has a heart that guards against others without reason.
Especially, suspicion will clearly remain my truest friend more than anyone, which is a habit I specially adopted to avoid repeating the tragedies of the past.
Therefore, I can leave him without regret. Just like now.
I greeted him again, who seemed to have lost his words and was silent, then slowly moved my steps. I felt his gaze on my back, but I didn’t turn around even once. As if I wouldn’t have any more lingering feelings, very resolutely.
[Side Story: Rustein Halberd]
If I have lost confidence in myself, I have the universe against me.
If I lose confidence in myself, the whole world becomes my enemy.
Ralph Waldo Emerson.
My father, Ferdian Halberd, is a very stubborn knight. You took great pride in being born into the knightly family of Halberd, and were happy about the fact that as a vassal family of the Count Wischwaltz, you could serve the lord.
Father never compromised when it came to swords and chivalry. If born as a man of the Halberd family, one should naturally take up the sword and become a knight.
So, even before my brothers and I could walk properly, you gave us wooden swords and urged us to swing them.
Unfortunately, my eldest brother was a person with a frail disposition, and his build was also much smaller than his peers.
He preferred reading books and writing poetry over swinging a sword. Above all, with his weak stamina that made him ill for days after swinging the sword once, he couldn’t participate in training.
Father was greatly disappointed by the fact that the heir of the knightly family was a weak man who couldn’t hold a sword.
My second brother was born with stronger stamina than the eldest brother, and had persistence and good endurance.
He was a very diligent man who devoted himself to training every day and never neglected polishing his swordsmanship.
But unfortunately, my second brother’s talent for the sword was mediocre. His basics were more solid than anyone’s, but his knack for facing enemies or the combat intuition needed in emergencies was significantly inferior to others.
Father referred to such a brother as a hardworking dullard. And he harshly criticized that he could become an ordinary knight but not one worthy of the name ‘Halberd.’
Ferdian Halberd, my father, is a person with a simple and ungreedy personality, but when it comes to ‘swords,’ he is more covetous than anyone in the world.
