Chapter 154. Let’s Try Living Again
“Do you really think it will never be discovered for the rest of your life?”
At that sharp retort, Deborah was momentarily left speechless.
After all, the truth she had wanted so desperately to hide had eventually been exposed.
And now, even after ending up in this situation, was she still saying something like that?
That was how it sounded.
Unable to say anything, she simply bit at her nails, and Jade let out a long sigh.
“For now—or as you said, Deborah—perhaps it could remain hidden forever.”
“……”
“But the other person is the Duke of Cheister.”
“A man with such immense power that there is virtually nowhere within the Kingdom of Ruvake where his influence does not reach.”
“……”
“How do you think you can secretly give birth to and raise that man’s child and keep it hidden for a lifetime?”
Saying that it was impossible from the beginning, Jade ran a hand roughly through his hair.
He was right.
They said the Cheister family owned enormous private lands, castles, and estates throughout the Kingdom of Ruvake.
In other words, as long as she remained within Ruvake, it would make no difference where she went.
She knew that.
She knew all of that…
But then what exactly could she do?
She could never stand before him again.
Yet just when everything had already ended, this child had come into her life.
What was she supposed to do with that…?
As countless thoughts churned through her mind, a sudden realization flashed across it like lightning.
Deborah’s lips slowly parted.
“The Duke probably thinks I left with that merchant… I mean, the man who claimed to be my husband.”
That was what had happened.
The one who had dragged her away while she was out of her senses had undoubtedly been that horrible man, Godric.
-“T-Then what about that woman…? May I take her away now?”
-“Take that filthy woman and get her out of my house immediately.”
Ignoring the throbbing pain, Deborah slowly retraced the memory of that moment.
As Jade had said, perhaps such a coincidence really might happen someday.
Meeting him again.
And him learning about the child.
But if he believed, based on his last memory, that she had gone away with Godric and returned to where she had been living…
Then even if he learned about the child’s existence, Deborah thought he would not immediately connect the child to himself.
The flaw in that reasoning became apparent as soon as she heard Jade’s next words.
“What if the child looks exactly like the Duke of Cheister?”
“……”
“What if everyone around knows Deborah is raising the child alone, and that information reaches the Duke?”
“What will you do then?”
At those questions, each one pressing relentlessly, she was once again left speechless.
She felt like a fool.
She knew her thoughts had been foolish and naive.
But in moments like this, that was the only thing she had been able to think of.
It was not Jade’s fault.
She knew that.
She also knew she should not feel this way.
Yet being relentlessly cornered like this still twisted her heart.
Biting her lip tightly, Deborah stared directly into Jade’s face.
“Then what exactly am I supposed to do?”
Just uttering those words made something hot clog her throat.
“He’s already engaged to someone else…”
“To him, I’ve become someone so terrible that he’d probably want me dead…”
“Should I go to him and fall to my knees and confess everything?”
“……”
“Tell him that I’m carrying his child… and beg him to forgive me?”
Deborah knew very well that every word leaving her mouth sounded insane.
Forgiveness?
Far from forgiving her, he would most likely question whether the child in her womb was even his.
No, perhaps because she had disobeyed his warning never to appear before him again, this time he might not release the hand around her throat at all…
Did she enjoy saying such foolish things?
Of course not.
It wasn’t that she didn’t know there were better choices.
It was simply that among all the choices she could think of, there was not a single one she was capable of making.
Her heart was a complete swamp.
She had only just managed to gather the will to live again.
Yet she was already becoming weak from the very beginning.
With a heart this fragile…
Could she really become a good mother?
What if this child ended up growing up lonely just like her?
As her heart continued sinking beneath countless negative thoughts—
“I’m… sorry.”
At the quiet voice, the storm of emotions abruptly came to a halt.
Deborah slowly raised her gaze toward the source of the sound.
“I didn’t mean to say it like that…”
“What I wanted to say… I mean, what I was trying to say was…”
“……”
The deeply furrowed brow.
The stumbling words.
The rough gesture of raking his hand through his hair.
Every action plainly revealed what he was truly feeling.
Only then did Deborah finally begin to see the situation clearly.
And she finally understood what Jade had really wanted to say to her.
Human hearts were strange.
The moment she realized that, the turmoil raging inside her gradually settled.
Deborah remained silent for a long time.
Only much later did she finally speak.
“That day…”
Jade slowly turned his face toward her.
Looking into those blue eyes, Deborah continued calmly.
“I was standing there in the cold rain…”
“But strangely enough, my heart was racing.”
“For the first time since the day I ran away as if I were being chased…”
Her expression looked as though she were walking through a dream.
Even though she had skipped all the details, Jade immediately understood which day she meant.
“While staring at those iron gates and waiting endlessly…”
“Not even for a single moment did I think he wouldn’t be there.”
“Not even once.”
“……”
“Even though I believed everything was over…”
“Somewhere deep inside, I must have still believed that if I went there, I would always be able to see him.”
“Like an idiot.”
The pain she could not completely conceal seeped through her self-deprecating smile.
As if recalling the emotions of that moment, her face twisted slightly.
Jade simply watched her in silence.
“I think… that was when it started.”
“……”
“When I thought…”
“That I didn’t want to live anymore.”
The words flowed out softly, like a confession.
Jade, who had been listening in silence, flinched.
Maybe…
Maybe that really had been the case.
The lifeless expression.
The empty eyes.
The way she would stare blankly into space as though she had forgotten even how to breathe.
More than once, the sight had made his heart drop.
That was why.
Why he had never been able to take his eyes off her.
Why he had paid such excessive attention to her.
Because he feared she might harbor dangerous thoughts.
Because he feared that while he looked away for even a moment, something irreversible might happen.
Yet even though he had suspected it, hearing it directly from her lips carried an entirely different weight.
The misery pierced deeply into his chest, distorting his expression.
“But—”
Her lips, which had been still for so long, moved again.
“When I woke up and learned there was a child in my womb…”
“His child…”
“I thought that I wanted to try living again.”
Seeing the faint smile that appeared on her lips, Jade finally realized what that strange feeling had been.
The feeling he had sensed the moment he saw Deborah standing just a few steps away.
“I don’t mean that I’ll force myself to live only for the child’s sake.”
“I just… naturally wanted to live again.”
“I simply wanted to try living one more time…”
Just as she herself had said, the face that once showed no desire to live had changed.
Though she was still painfully thin and haggard, that expression was completely different.
It felt as though he were seeing the Deborah he had first met long ago.
“……”
That was the moment he finally understood the meaning of those unexpected words.
There was nothing he could say.
The child that had become her final lifeline.
After hearing that she would never even have considered living again if not for this child, what could he possibly say?
At that point, talking about hypothetical situations that had not even happened was meaningless.
There was only one thing left for him to say.
“…Of course you have to live.”
“……”
“Both Deborah… and the child.”
“Together.”
It was the first time he had said it.
The first thing he had said since learning about the child.
It was not exactly encouragement.
Nor was it outright support.
Yet Deborah seemed to understand the meaning contained within those words.
“…Tha—”
Deborah, who had been holding back the emotions surging inside her, finally lowered her head.
Looking at those small shoulders trembling pitifully, Jade could not say another word for a long time.
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