“That was way too fast — ‘aaah!'”
‘Thud.’
“Ugh…”
Her head spun, her stomach lurched. Her arms and legs had gone completely boneless and were trembling without her permission.
A familiar scent reached her. Slightly different from usual — threaded with something metallic — but his.
“Ha.”
A breath of relief fell from above.
Kael was cradling her head and the small of her back with both hands.
The large hand behind her head moved in slow, careful strokes through her hair. The other continued to sweep up and down her back.
“Are you all right?”
‘Nod.’ Her body felt like it had been filled with stones, and even nodding took effort.
“It’s all right. It’s over.”
The voice was low and steady, and its vibration passed through the chest she was pressed against and into her.
His heart was slamming.
She could hear it — fast and hard — beating against her ear.
“Let’s go home now.”
‘Nod.’ She cried as she nodded, she didn’t know why.
Her face was already ruined with tear tracks and worse, but there was no room left to care.
She pressed her tears into his chest and cried without restraint.
And in the midst of it, a thought arrived clearly, carried on the current of everything she had just survived.
‘People can die at any moment.’
A resolution formed in her, quiet and certain.
‘Just stay with this man.’
She had come back to life today — she could consider it a borrowed life, freely given.
She knew why the thought had chosen this of all moments.
‘Men like him are rare.’
She had arrived at a strange realization at a strange time. Her stream of consciousness was questionable. But then — so what?
She just liked Kael. That was all it meant.
And she had come to another realization as well.
‘No one knows when they’ll die.’
She might die tomorrow. Anyone might.
So she found her courage. She would say what she hadn’t said, what she would have died without saying.
“Hey.”
“Yes.”
“Thank you.”
“Thank you too. For holding on.”
He held her more tightly as he said it. She nodded, pressing her face into him.
“And — I like you. Kael.”
A short, exhaled laugh. A small, wondering sound.
“…I mean it.”
“I didn’t say you didn’t.”
He patted her back and added:
“I’m just surprised. I thought I’d never hear you say it.”
“I had a reason for saying it now, though.”
“What reason?”
“People can die at any moment. I could too. So I want to live saying what I want to say. Without regrets.”
“You’re not dying.”
He gave her bottom a light, reproving smack.
“Also — I’d appreciate it if you stopped hitting my backside.”
* * *
“Ivelina, I’m so relieved you’re safe. I truly am.”
“Me too! I was so shocked when I heard — honestly, those awful people—”
Dorothy hit the table with her fist.
“Still — it turned out right in the end, didn’t it? Justice is apparently still alive.”
“And the two of them ended up in prison together — made for each other.”
“I just feel sorry for the baby. The child didn’t do anything wrong.”
Kate and Dorothy had come as soon as they heard, and were presently doing an enthusiastic job of condemning Edwin and Camilla.
Both had been charged — Edwin with attempted murder of a noblewoman, Camilla with conspiracy to murder. Camilla, now heavily pregnant, would give birth in prison. The Hansworth family, which had only one heir, had been utterly destroyed.
But she was, surprisingly, all right. What had happened to her had brought a great deal of clarity.
‘For example, the value of my husband, and the fact that I love him… oh, too embarrassing. Stop thinking about it.’
These days, the mere sight of her husband’s face turned her into a flustered, overheated mess.
Kael, who had no idea what was going on inside her, was calling the physician every other day worrying she had a fever.
She had even consulted Emily about it.
She’d asked how to manage her expressions better, how to hide it. Emily had replied without a moment’s hesitation: ‘That kind of thing is innate. You either have it or you don’t.’
“By the way, Ivelina — how is married life treating you? Is it good?”
“Hmm?”
“Why even ask? You know what he’s like. He’d throw himself into a burning building for his woman.”
“True. How could it be anything but good? I’m so jealous.”
‘And there it is — back to praising my husband.’
Every time she saw her friends lately, the conversation inevitably wound its way there.
“What must it be like to live with someone like that every day? I’m dying to know.”
Dorothy asked.
Well. Originally it had been wonderful — but now, more than half a year into the marriage, she wasn’t entirely sure.
Because lately, her husband was avoiding her.
He had always carved out time for her no matter how busy he was. Now—
“Again today?”
“Yes. He says he’s swamped with work. Going to stay the night in his office.”
Her husband had been avoiding her.
“Hmm.”
“Do you think he’s tired of me?”
“Mm.”
“When he was doing everything imaginable trying to get rid of me, he didn’t get tired of me — but now he’s tired of me? That’s not fair.”
“If you ask me — this calls for a conversation. Just go ask him directly: ‘have you finally gotten tired of me?’ That would be simplest.”
* * *
So she had come to ask him directly.
She used Emily’s exact suggested phrasing.
“Have you ‘finally’ gotten tired of me?”
“What? ‘Finally’ tired of you?”
Kael’s eyebrow came down sharply on one side.
‘There it is — that severe expression. I used to see it often, back at the beginning.’
“It’s just — you’ve been staying late every night, and you’ve been going around looking irritated…”
“Ah.”
A flat, quiet sound. He pressed his eyes shut and rubbed his temple.
“I stopped taking the medication a little while ago.”
“Medication? What medication?”
“A suppressant.”
“A suppressant? What kind of suppressant…?”
“An inhibitor for sexual desire.”
“…You were on that? This whole time? And you were ‘still’ that—”
“Yes. It’s been getting worse. To a degree I can’t manage.”
He rose slowly from his chair and turned to face her where she sat on the edge of his desk. He put both hands on either side of her and leaned in until they were at eye level.
“So right now—”
He tilted his chin downward.
“Just seeing your face — like this. Constantly. At any hour.”
She found herself looking at the relevant evidence. His formal uniform appeared to be deeply uncomfortable.
“I thought I might actually hurt you if this kept up.”
“……”
“The physician mentioned it too. The sudden weight loss you’ve had lately — he said that may be a factor.”
“……”
“But continuing to take it isn’t ideal either — apparently it’s not good for the baby.”
“It — it has side effects? For the baby?”
“Yes. He said if we’re preparing to conceive properly, I should stop the medication.”
“I — I see. Then I came for nothing! You must be so busy, I’ll just — be on my way—”
She pushed against his arms and tried to get down. His hands didn’t move.
“Where do you think you’re going.”
“What? I suddenly feel quite hungry. I’ll just—”
“There’s food here.”
“I — what do you mean! I’ll see you tomorrow then, work well tonight—!”
“You’re going to do this and just leave?”
Kael’s brow came down again, severe.
She dropped her gaze quickly to avoid his eyes. He caught her chin in one hand and brought her face back up.
“I didn’t do anything! We only talked!”
“Then let’s do more than talk.”
“‘No, let go of me!'”
She was caught again.
And she would be caught, forever.
